Dave Worthen

5 years ago · 8 min. reading time · ~100 ·

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How to Survive Drama in Your Relationship

How to Survive Drama in Your Relationship

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We love drama.

Well...maybe I should qualify that.

We love drama like The Game of Thrones but not in our personal lives, right?

Listen.

Everyone has drama to some degree in their life.

If you don’t you are most likely from a different planet.

And through forty years of helping individuals and couples, I’ve learned a very basic but valuable lesson that couples sometimes need to be reminded of:

Drama is always momentary.

It might take some time to get through it, but that’s why Made-for-TV movies are not 30 minutes.

The problem is not in the beginning of your relationship.

It’s the period after you found out you both liked tacos, Netflix binging, and Game of Thrones.

That would be the episode called:

Family Ghosts in Your Mental Attic.

Everyone on this planet has a few surprise personalities that come out when it’s dark.

Or on a nice quiet Sunday morning in your kitchen.

You’re in the bathroom finishing your make-up and you’re getting ready to make your husband breakfast. You know, spend a relaxing Sunday morning just chit-chatting, kissing, and basically chilling.

Your husband calls out your name from the kitchen. You walk into your kitchen smiling but notice he’s holding a Nordstrom receipt with an icy stare.

You know this stare.

You swear he begins to channel some cold analytical nonsense best left for Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs about cutting down the money you are spending on your shoe shopping.

Your temperature begins to rise because hello...this is shoe shopping.

This needs no explanation, correct?

I mean shoes are a calling.

If you’re a guy and you don’t get that, then you deserve your MasterCard Shock-Horror Movie Face when you see the bill.

You notice your husband has exited his body.

The cold chill of Hannibal Lecter’s voice has taken over.


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He’s dangling the receipt in front of you like it was a delicate part of someone’s brain.

You cannot control yourself.

You begin to morph into Cersei Lannister, from The Game of Thrones.

Your husband’s eyes get wide.

He’s absolutely certain that an alien abduction has taken place with his lovely wife.

Absofuckinglutely.

He suddenly feels his throat constricting.  

He cannot breathe and realizes you’re not even touching him.

Seems your Cersei Lannister is no match for his Hannibal Lecter.

Your corneas have turned deep red and your voice has become icy cold. Cersei has now taken over your body complete.

You look at your husband with razor sharp knives, visually slicing him in half while you whisper loud enough for him to hear and not forget:

“If you want to continue to live in that life form, you will not bring up the subject of what I spend at Nordstrom…”

Your husband actually thinks he’s going to choke to death.

We’re talking Nordstrom.

Not Planet of the Apes.

He is turning purple and his eyes are about to pop out of their sockets.

Before he blacks out, he nods up and down that he will comply.

You release your spell.

Your husband looks over at you as you smile sweetly.

In your normal Sunday morning cheerful sing-songy voice you ask him if he’d like some bacon and eggs for breakfast.

Drama.

The truth is that when you experience drama it can often be repugnant.

It can be crass. It can be crude, invalidative, and just plain-ass crazy.

And the reason it is so soul destroying is because this is coming from another soul you love and admire.

You can watch vicariously a character on TV or in a movie throw these vicious dramatic darts and know it’s just a movie.

But when it happens to you in real life it’s a whole ‘nother ball game.

Because each of you know the pain points of the other.

And as “tough” or impervious and “I can handle this” as you think you are, you will walk away and think silently to yourself:

That fucking hurt.

Mistakenly you think, “Did he/she really mean what they were saying?”

Or, “Wow, is this is how he/she felt all along?”

And possibly, “I’m now seeing the real colors of the person I married.”

This is not completely true.

Not completely.

Yes, we all can make mistakes in the “Picking Partners” episode of our  lives.

But really, beings are basically good.

What’s shocking and disruptive is the instantaneousness of  your partner changing right in front of you.

When these thinly veiled barbs get thrown by the man or woman you love, well, I don’t care who you are, these poisoned tipped verbal darts are hard to take.

And if you lose sight of the person you fell in love with, and you buy the dramatization they are throwing Full Metal Jacket at you, you are making a big mistake.

There is this wild and hysteria-laden characteristic about drama:

Drama breeds more drama.

Weirdest fucking thing ever.

Sometimes the drama escalates beyond residential and city ordinances.

I’m not kidding.

I’ve gotten calls from one or both of the parties who said there were black and white units outside their homes.

It’s like lighting a fuse to a stick of dynamite.

There’s only one direction that fuse goes.

And you know it.

Anyone who has ever lit a firecracker knows what happens.

And that’s the same for drama.

And in all my years of working with individuals and couples, I’m usually called in the middle or end of the episode.

You know, where the drama is at its height or they’re ready to divorce.

But where was the drama before they called?

That’s not part of the episode.

It’s not why you watch TV or Movies.

You don’t go to the movies to watch normal.

You did not see Daenerys Targaryen blow dry her hair.

You did not tune in intently to see how John Snow put on his underwear.  

You watched for drama.

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And we do the same in our own lives.

However, what is fucked up is there is no Rewind Button, Pause Button or an Off Button when all hell breaks loose in real life.

So when it gets really crazy, there’s no way to Mute it, Pause it, or even Unplug it.

So the drama plays itself out.

And most people I work with unfortunately are quick to forget that just last weekend they went out together to a nice dinner, strolled through the Mall while eating an ice cream cone, and came home and had a really good romp in the sack.

In the throes of their drama they appear to have forgotten that their current partner is the same man or woman who laughed with them while sipping a glass of wine or taking a risque selfie while throwing off their clothes in their bedroom.

It’s this very bizarre thing that the good in the person almost gets completely vanquished by the dramatization.

Why is this?

Because the drama is parasitic.

The dramatization gets all of its power from the you, the individual.

If you or your partner are strong independent personalities, when you momentarily go over to the “Dark Side” to make your point, the “parasite personality” has attached itself to the strength of the host.

That would be you.

Or your partner.

Then, in the midst of this heated argument you're having, some black sorcery, Dad or Mom, Hannibal Lecter or Cersei Lannister enter stage left.

And for this eerily short moment, you + them bring down the Wrath of Khan or the cynicism of Cersei on each other.

And it seems like it goes on for fucking eternity.

And the reason for that is the drama is surreal.

You are caught between two worlds.

You in the world of aware of being aware that you somehow are still you as the observer. You are watching the drama unfold as you and/or your partner are also dramatizing.

Did I say weird?

You are also aware your partner is still the person you love, and he or she is over there yelling at you but the words and emotions are oddly reminiscent of some episode of Mean Girls orThe Godfather.

Or both.

You are actually cognizant that the vile temperament that is coming out of them is not them and you are trying to understand (as well as they are of you):

Why in the hell are you saying these demented things to me?

To borrow a phrase, “It’s like being in a bad movie.”

Yes. It. Is.

And you want it to be over right now because when you are experiencing it, it’s actually pretty offensive.

Yes, your husband sounds exactly like his Dad when he admonishes you and you swear under your breath “I cannot be in the same room with him when he’s like this,” so you turn around and leave in a huff.

And your husband hates when you do your “leave in a huff thing” so he ups the decibels on channeling “his Dad” and yells louder at you while you’re walking away!

Drama breeds drama.

Understand something.

The Dark Side metaphor means, in essence, the absence of light.

Well, that “light” is the person.

So when your partner’s light goes out, in steps Hannibal Lecter or Cersei Lannister and somehow even though it looks like, smells like, sounds like your partner or spouse, it’s not.

And you think possibly the things he or she says have some merit or that these daggers are really being thrown at you by them.

Not true.

This does not let them or you “off the hook” for saying these often despicable things. It doesn’t.

You have to have really high personal ethics to be able to step back out of your own drama to see it is usurping your own power.

In truth, the only reason couples go so far downstream with their dramatizations is:

Neither is willing to take responsibility for their own drama while it’s occurring.

These dramatizations are like blowing a fuse in your home.

With a blown fuse in your house, someone usually goes to the fuse box and flips the switch so “the lights” come back on. Right.

Unfortunately in the middle of each of your dramas neither person has enough analytical power to go to the fuse box and shut that crazy shit down.  

You think arguing your case while both of you have blown fuses, will bring some kind of resolution.

No it does not.

Not ever.

The answer to “I don’t know what came over me,” is not a mystery.

It is simply a parasitic personality you’ve kept in a shoebox in your mental attic. 

No different than the old photos you keep in your real attic.

But never ever lose sight of this during the Clash of the Titans:

It is you and your own power that this parasitic personality has attached itself to.

And you gave the password and key-card for that personality to enter.

While the parasitic personality is still in control, it just wants to keep making itself right.

If you have enough analytical ability to look at your own dramas, you will see that while in that dramatization you were trying to make a single point over and over.

You often got louder and the language got cruder.

But the parasitic personality and you had one goal:

“I’m right, you’re wrong.”

And you brought “Dad” or “Mom” or Darth Vader or Elizabeth Taylor along as reinforcements.

I invite you right now, to look at any time you and your partner “got into it” and tell me what you see.

As your glorious drama escalated, both of you and your parasitic personalities had one goal:

To be right.

Go ahead and look.

The reason why your partner or spouse lets loose with the Black Plague all over your ass, is they hate with a vengeance being made wrong.

No being on this planet likes being made wrong.

So you fight back.

But you are fighting back like Medusa, the two-headed snake.

If you are not a single unit being, if you are not in sole possession of who you are, you take on covert characteristics like Commodus who, in the final scene of Gladiator, reaches for his hidden knife to kill Maximus in the ring.

And this takes some real confronting.

In the middle of your respective dramas, you often don’t play fair.

It is the weirdest fucking thing ever.

When it comes to drama, we are worse than Millenials when you take away their cell phones.

And the truth is:

ALL. OF. IT. IS. DRAMA.

It is played out and acted out by you and or your partner whether you can stomach this or not.

Anything parasitic is momentarily borrowing your life force to keep itself alive.

People will often say, “I wasn’t myself.”

No truer words were ever spoken.

And the killer is, momentary drama can destroy relationships in the blink of an eye.

Listen.

It doesn’t matter in what station you are in life, who you are, or what cut of cloth your DNA comes from. It does not.

You are a spiritual being in a humanoid body.

That’s a Reality TV Series if there ever was one.

That’s a Best Drama Series for a Television Emmy every year.

And instead of getting all beefed up, upset, or really just mad as a hornet because your partner and/or you sometimes get movie-face ugly, give yourself a reality check mid your Oscar winning performance.

It is you doing this.

Your life is your domain.

You registered for your domain name long ago.

You can’t blame your drama on your wife or husband, your partner or your parents, green cheese or Gone With The Wind.

I mean you can.

But the secret is: when you do, your drama gets worse!

Honestly, most days your life is really pretty damn good, right?

Right.

But when the ghosts, spooks or personalities from the past come a knockin’ just realize that this is just an episode.

You know, like NCIS or something.

Just an episode.

And don’t ever make the mistake that this other person spitting venom at you or giving you the best cold shoulder ever is the person you love.

It’s not.

It’s just some drama.

Hang in there.

Stay together.

You’ll be glad you did.

Because the series is great.




I offer a free 30 minute consultation over the phone to discuss any issues you have that you feel might be blocking your personal or business success.

There is no pitch. There is no sale. There is no obligation to do anything else. This is my way of letting you know what I do, and hopefully creating a long term relationship. Click on the link below if you would like a free consultation.

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Comments

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #28

#30
Thank you so much, Proma \ud83d\udc1d Nautiyal for your great contribution to this conversation. You have gained great insight on your own and now handle this kind of thing. Kudos to you! And thank you for calling my post a gift. Very much appreciated!

Proma Nautiyal

5 years ago #27

Loved the post, Dave Worthen. You are such an amazing storyteller and the analogies are "Oh so apt!" I have been in these drama situations. I have let Cersei and Medusa get the better of me, and I did manage to win the "I am right game." But the entire episode did not make me as happy as I thought it would. Instead, I was plagued by guilt and sorry feelings. However, ever since I started meditating and taking steps to work on my anxiety and panic attacks, I have been a different person altogether. I don't get agitated. It's almost like my vocal chords cannot work above a certain decibel level (which is pretty low, already). But this many a time, makes the other person even angrier. They don't like my calm countenance. They feel like I am "not getting them." The only thing is I am not letting them "get to me." I continue in my Zen mode till they get tired and I can see they kind of understand the fact that all that shouting doesn't make them right. I feel at peace, but I can see them struggling with feelings guilt for having behaved so badly. It hurts me to see them in pain. Your post is a gift I can give them & to myself. It is beautiful. It should not be read just once, but bookmarked as a great conflict resolution resource. Thank you!

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

5 years ago #26

life as it is: insights to go from surviving to thriving

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

5 years ago #25

what I love about beBee is how all bees contribute to our community while expressing their voices. We are a place where we can do this, and I am so grateful for it. It is also key for healthy relationships: we all have our own angle to view the world and each angle is only a proof of how unique each one of us is. It is wonderful to listen to each unique story. Thank you for this article and thank you for each contribution.

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #24

#24
Hello again, Louise Smith! I agree with you about being tolerant and kind. Absolutely!

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #23

#23
Hi Louise Smith! Yes, I totally understand! I really do! Thanks for stopping by and adding to the conversation!

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #22

#20
Hi Bryan. I completely support your right to disagree! Thanks!

Louise Smith

5 years ago #21

#20
I agree with you Brian McKenzie "Drama is completely avoidable. You invite it into your own life, I choose not to." But rather than your solution of " And of course that means remaing single, never getting married nor cohabitating with them." I think being assertive, tolerant and kind not allowing others to bully or take advantage of me and by choosing my friends and acquaintances carefully I can still interact with people with minimum or no drama

Louise Smith

5 years ago #20

#17
Dave Worthen ? He is telling us how he avoids drama in his life Stranger than fiction, Brian I do these things too I would just describe them slightly differently to Drama or not to Drama is a personal choice just like choosing to - wear a dress or long pants - eat salad or cake - live in a house or on a boat - be tolerant or not - be angry or choosing not to (I wish I had $1 for every client who told me they couldn't control their anger or learn to because that's just how they were ! ) People who can't choose may come to the point of absolute confusion and distress They may go into further non adaptive behaviour like addiction If they hit rock bottom Then they might realise they need to be open to change and new possibilities to start to ask questions and seek help to learn new strategies and behaviours

Louise Smith

5 years ago #19

#18
"I guess the psychoanalysts would attribute root cause to negative attention seeking stemming from childhood issues." I don't think I can guess what psychoanalysts psychoanalysts would attribute root cause to ............. Remember I don't have a couch in my counselling room ! But it's pretty well researched that many non adaptive issues & behaviours like negative attention seeking have robust correlation with the spectrum of simple to complex childhood abuse.

Louise Smith

5 years ago #18

#18
"drama queens actually court" How about Drama Kings & Drama Princesses & Drama Princes ?

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #17

#18
Hi ! Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the conversation! You are right. Some people thrive on drama. I've found in counseling couples that they think by dramatizing they can emphasize their point. When in fact it just drives their partner further from their point!

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #16

#16
Hey Brian. I'm not quite sure why you comment here? I don't mean just this article of mine, but all of my articles. You don't really condemn me, which I appreciate, but you never have anything positive to say. Never. I mean people can write dissenting views and all, but I'm not sure what the purpose is to just leave negativity here?

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #15

#10
Hola Lupita \ud83d\udc1d Reyes! I love your "two cents!" Yes, this takes a realistic look at what couples don't really want to admit or talk about. But it happens with practically every couple I counsel. And sometimes unfortunately, the evil drama personae wins. I'm dedicated to it not winning! Thanks for commenting here and adding to this conversation!

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #14

#10
Hola @Lupita! I love your "two cents!" Yes, this takes a realistic look at what couples don't really want to admit or talk about. But it happens with practically every couple I counsel. And sometimes unfortunately, the evil drama personae wins. I'm dedicated to it not winning! Thanks for commenting here and adding to this conversation!

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #13

#9
Thank you so much,Harvey Lloyd!

Lupita 🐝 Reyes

5 years ago #12

Great post Dave Worthen!!! I had to read it twice, to be honest with you. After reading it the second time I realized something: it is true that sometimes we want to be right in the middle of a conversation. But afterwards we loose control pushing the other person to be wrong. There’s no human being on planet earth that hasn’t been in a moment like that. Well, one can be right, I think. One can have a reason of being upset or disappointed. But falling into drama is the step we should avoid at all costs. And If this happens, we should see each other afterwards with respect and honesty and admit that it was drama and discard everything that was said. Everything. Because in other way, the poison will get to our hearts. And Love will die. 💔 Just my two cents here. Thank you Dave!!

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #11

#7
Hi Jerry Fletcher! Yes! Just. An. Episode!

Lupita 🐝 Reyes

5 years ago #10

Great post Dave Worthen!!! I had to read it twice, to be honest with you. After reading it the second time I realized something: it is true that sometimes we want to be right in the middle of a conversation. But afterwards we loose control pushing the other person to be wrong. There’s no human being on planet earth that hasn’t been in a moment like that. Well, one can be right, I think. One can have a reason of being upset or disappointed. But falling into drama is the step we should avoid at all costs. And If this happens, we should see each other afterwards with respect and honesty and admit that it was drama and discard everything that was said. Everything. Because in other way, the poison will get to our hearts. And Love will die. 💔 Just my two cents here. Thank you Dave!!

Harvey Lloyd

5 years ago #9

Drama, the time and space where two incongruent truths meet.....outcome? A third shared truth or (as often is the case) the unlidding of Pandora's box. To get to the third shared truth we first must recognize the motivation of our independent truths or our shadow selves. In relationships, this is the intimacy we seek. Great piece as always.

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

5 years ago #8

learn about surviving in relationships and then be bold enough to thrive, wonderful insights that everyone will recognise thank you Dave Worthen

Jerry Fletcher

5 years ago #7

Dave, Drama? Yes. Fear, You bet. Lingering emotional turmoil? Yup. Remember: JUST AN EPISODE.

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

5 years ago #6

#5
We share that thought. When we do have that true potential, why choosing then a life that does not honor our value to the fullest? Let us commit to being the best we can be. It is a matter of choice and responsibility. Thank you for showing us how we lead by example Dave Worthen

Dave Worthen

5 years ago #5

#4
Hi ! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my article and stop by and comment here. I truly appreciate you vote of confidence and positivity in what I do. Maybe a few more brave souls will venture out to discover more about their own true potential as you have.

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

5 years ago #4

Sometimes we think that we have all keys to flourish and prosper, but it is not always the case. We can be partly blind for the truth. This can have major consequences for us and for our relationships. It is wonderful when excellent professionals specialize in core relationships issues to support others in a way that makes all the difference. I agree that we need proper education/insights to improve our relationships and I am grateful that Dave Worthen is among the best in the field and among us on beBee to support us all, thank you! This article is once again gold.

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

5 years ago #3

another great insight from a highly respected, great professional and wonderful human being Dave Worthen Please read it with full devotion and attention.

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

5 years ago #2

p

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

5 years ago #1

nourishing article Dave Worthen and after that, take the bold decision you need to take in all honesty, as you care about the heart of your partner as well as your own. Sometimes we do need to let go. Sometimes we need to do whatever it takes to honor true love.

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