Hannity Unplugged & Jamming

Fox News megastar Sean Hannity opens a fresh bottle of Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 23-Year-Old Bourbon and takes a thirsty gulp. “The fake news media is out of frickin’ control,” he says, “and I’m going to call them out on it.”

Hannity dropped by The Lint Screen world headquarters to vent his spleen and abuse his liver. He was in rare form. Here are some highlights from his rambling pontifications.

“The Nunes memo blew the cover off the evil liberal conspiracy against President Trump. That memo revealed a secret Satanic plot against our democracy and freedom. It’s not hyperbole when I say that what the Killery crew did was a trillion times worse than Watergate! Maybe more than a trillion times worse. A gazillion times!”

“Devin Nunes is a true patriot. He’s going to be revealing even more truth by exposing other scandals. A hundred years from now, there will be statues of Nunes in every town square. He’s like Paul Revere warning us against the dangers coming our way.”

“We need to stop Mueller and his witch hunt. It’s a disgrace what the deep state is doing to our democracy. Obama’s foot soldiers are putting their noses where they don’t belong. Russian collusion?! Give me a break. Это самая смешная вещь, которую я когда-либо слышал! The FBI should spend their time investigating real crimes like the Clinton child porn ring operated from a New York pizzeria. That place doesn’t even have a good slice! Or, the Killery plot to kill nuns and burn down Southern Baptist churches while spitting on Bibles. Or, Obama and Michelle going into hospitals and killing old people in their sleep by snuffing them with pillows–– then, eating their Jello-O. Where’s the FBI on that stuff?!”

“Why doesn’t someone investigate Nancy Pelosi and her army of flying monkeys that steal binkies from baby mouths and sells them on the black market in Haiti? It’s outrageous what she’s doing, and she’s getting away with it!”

“Trump is the most popular president we’ve ever had. Want proof? His inauguration crowd was the biggest ever–– there’s your proof!”

“We need to take science books out of schools and replace them with Bibles. Kids will learn a heck of a lot more from the good book than any of that science crap! Climate change? Gimme a break–– it’s been a cold winter!”

“The president and first lady have a great relationship. She adores him, and he’s crazy for her. They’re like teens in love. For her birthday last year, he gave her an autographed copy of THE ART OF THE DEAL. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.”

“Trump is without a doubt our greatest president ever. He’s working hard to make America great again, boosting our economy by increasing employment in coal mines. The future is coal! Clean coal that’s April fresh. And, we’re finally opening up national parks so we can drill and mine all the riches God and mother nature have provided for us.”

“Immigrants are taking all the good migrant worker jobs. Build that wall!!!”

“Rich people hate the recent GOP tax plan. Like Trump says, it’s not very popular with his wealthy friends at Mar A Lago because it’s going to cost them big. But the president thinks it’s the right thing to do in order to give Joe and Jane six pack some extra money for Twinkies to put in their lunch pails.”

“Benghazi! Missing e-mails! Travelgate! Monica! Uranium! Obama’s birth certificate! What about all those?! Lock them up!!!”

“Trump’s hair is absolutely real. I’ve run my fingers through it. Our great leader has a thick mane of luxurious, manageable with full body and no split ends.”

“I’m a journalist, and I believe in journalistic integrity and the sanctity of the fourth estate. No one respects and supports the free press more than I do. But, I think Trump should imprison all the fake news people out there not supporting and rallying the public for the president’s initiatives in making America great again. CNN, The New York Times, Washington Post, all the networks, except for Fox News, they all need to be arrested and beaten to within an inch of their lives for the lies they’re telling. If we have to build another Gitmo, let’s do it. Let’s waterboard them! I’m a journalist, let the truth prevail!”

Hannity finished his bottle and threw it against the wall. “I love Trump,” he said as he collapsed to the floor and painted himself in his own sick. “Ivanka…”

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).