HANNITY PRESENTS COMMON SENSE SOLUTIONS TO MASS SHOOTINGS

The editorial staff of The Lint Screen invites distinguished guests to write on timely issues and present their solutions. Today, we hear from Fox News megastar Sean Hannity.

It seems a lot of whiners and crybabies are upset by a couple of recent mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton. These unhinged people got their panties in a knot because they say we don’t have restrictive gun laws. They seem to think guns are a problem in America.

Obviously, these looney liberals are the takers and not the makers. They have no respect for the Second Amendment which our forefathers put in the Declaration of Independence because they wanted Americans to have bump stocks and AK-47s.

Our forefathers knew America was going to be a dangerous place in the future and they wanted every citizen to be able to protect himself and his family from getting raped and murdered by vermin invading our country.

God help us all when the caravan finally arrives!

So what should we do?

First off, we need to keep the right to bear arms strong. In fact, I suggest we loosen the restrictive laws against hand grenades, bazookas, and anti-air missiles. When things go south, you’re going to want as much firepower as possible. Trust me.

Then we need to protect our society from the invaders hellbent on our destruction.

I suggest we have ex-military personnel and cops donate a couple of hours to stand guard at all schools, churches, restaurants, and malls. They would be heavily armed to show we mean business. We can also use some ICE agents and Homeland Security forces for back-up.

But, we also need to teach our children to protect themselves.

I keep hearing liberals bellyaching about the need for early start education. You know, Pre-K and all that crap. Let me tell you, all that book learnin’ won’t do them a helluva lot of good when they’re looking at the business end of an AK-47!

Instead of wasting our taxpayer money on frivolous things like education, let’s spend it on firearms training and marksmanship classes. Something they can actually use.

Every American child should be issued a weapon. Something for their small hands, but also a gun they can grow with. Like maybe a Glock 19 Gen 5. You can’t go wrong with that baby.

For the teachers, we need something with a bit more kick. After all, they are protecting our most precious asset. I think a basic AR-10 would be a good choice. Teachers can trick it out however they like to personalize their weapon.

So, we have armed cops and federal officials protecting the schools. We have armed children and armed teachers. That’s a lot of good guys with a lot of guns.

I dare a bad guy with a gun to show up for that fight!

Look, mass shootings are a bummer. I get it. But we can’t throw away our freedoms in a hissy fit to appease socialist liberals.

Trust President Trump, Mitch McConnell, white nationalists, the GOP, and the NRA to do what’s best for America. They love our country and want to protect it from bad people.

Having more guns is the only sensible solution to mass shootings.

Because when we all protect ourselves, we make America even stronger.

And write your congressman about doing something to battle video games–– they’re the real cause of mass shootings!

Hannity, out…

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).