Half the Conversation is Internal

People think empathy is actually feeling what someone else feels, which I don’t believe can truly happen, my definition of empathy is a little different. We have a lot of similarities in emotion, e.g. happy, sad, angry, frustrated, etc.; empathy is about having some understanding of what a person is going through, either because you’ve been through something similar, or because you have an innate ability to feel the emotions of people around you. That is not the same as feeling what another person feels.

If you and your staff can offer customers an empathetic experience as I describe here, you will win their loyalty. And winning loyalty means winning return customers and new ones through word-of-mouth.

An Empathy Story

A woman walked into the gym where I was working at the front desk. She was waiting in line with the early gym regulars at 5:30 in the morning, with a pile of clothes in her hands. As I was checking in members, I could see her nervously shuffle forward, eyes darting around the room, obviously uncomfortable.

She walked up to the counter, and in a defensive voice, more a statement than a question, she said:

"Can I leave these here?"

Her arms held out the pile of clothes with a pair of shoes at the bottom, motioning toward the high counter of the front desk, next to the monitor for member check-in. I’m not tall, right around 5’, and it’s a tall counter, so putting her clothes on that counter would have them pretty much at eye-level for me. They would partially obscure my view of the front door.

I responded "Of course! ... You'd like to leave those clothes on the counter; are you leaving them for someone to pick up?"

"No. I don't know where else to put them!" She sounded so frustrated, and I was a little puzzled.

It took me a moment to realize it was her first time at the gym. It may have been her first time to visit a gym -- ever. She seemed so out of sorts, uncomfortable, out of her element. I was instantly transported to a memory of the first time I walked into a gym and had no idea where to begin, where the locker rooms were, what the protocol was for using the equipment. I was so nervous, afraid I'd do something wrong, like everyone was watching.

With that memory in my mind and smiling my most welcoming, disarming smile, I said:

"You must be new to the gym! If you'll stand aside for just a minute, I'll finish checking in these members, and then I'll give you a quick tour. We'll start with the locker room where you can stash your clothes & shoes. Is that ok?"

I watched as her shoulders dropped with relief. After a minute or two, I walked around from behind the counter, through the gate, and gave her a tour. I introduced her to a few of our most friendly members and suggested if she had questions about the equipment, they would be happy to help. As part of new membership, people are entitled to a one-hour orientation with a fitness coach; I reminded her to schedule that time so she would better understand the weight machines and avoid injury.

As I left her near the locker room, I made sure to gently touch her arm, look at her eyes and smile as I said "I’m right upstairs if you have any other questions."

She smiled and waved as she left the gym about an hour later. I saw her three mornings each week after that and never　again did she ask to leave her clothes on the counter.

Want to provide empathetic, considerate service?
Try these strategies:

Ask questions, observe, and listen closely to the answers

One of the biggest mistakes we make as employees, supervisors, partners & parents, is to ask a question and not listen to the answer. Not only is it annoying to the receiver, it immediately obscures the conversation. How do you fix this? It's called responsive listening or mirroring. Ask a question, and then repeat the answer back to the person in different words to make sure you understood the answer. Give the person a moment to clarify her answer if necessary.

Often a customer is upset about something completely unrelated to his current complaint. By mirroring his answer to your question, you establish the relationship as one of caring and give the customer the opportunity to consider what he is really asking.

Answer the question honestly, with caring for the customer as your primary goal

Even if you cannot make the customer happy with the answer she wants, you must keep the thought that you care for the person at the top of your answer. Demonstrate empathy by finding an acceptable solution and follow up to make sure there is some level of satisfaction.

Keep in mind that the customer has a life outside this moment

You cannot know what went on five minutes, five days, or five years in the life of your customer before she walked in your door, called, or emailed you. You do not know the context of the customer's mood or feelings about the issue she brings to you. Demonstrate empathy by considering your own humanity. Are you always kind? Have you had bad days or phases in your life when you were less than your best? Are you perfect at communicating your needs every time? I can with certainty answer that no, I am not always kind and a perfect communicator.

Remember that half the conversation is internal

When a client begins a conversation in a different tone of voice than you would expect, you may be starting in the middle of a conversation. The customer most likely had an entire conversation going on in her head about how she was going to act, what she was going to say, and what she wants in the end. Sometimes the customer is anticipating some negative reaction from you, such as resistance or judgment. That’s why she opened a conversation in what seems like a defensive tone, because half of the conversation she planned with you already happened inside her head.

Back up, allow her to say what she wants to say, and then propose that she start at the beginning. "I’m sorry you’re frustrated, can we start at the beginning so I have a better idea of how I can help resolve this with you?"

Have you had a customer approach you with frustration or anger that caught you off-guard?

Imagine if you knew the person in front of you brought you into the middle of an internal conversation, fearful that you would respond with frustration, anger, resistance or judgment.

Does that make a difference in how you respond?

You can read more of my writing, and learn more about me by visiting my website: elkinsconsulting.com