Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago · 2 min. reading time · ~100 ·

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Grief, Bitterness or Both?

Grief, Bitterness or Both?


Grief, Bitterness or Both?With integrity you
will do the right
thing, so you will

have neo guilt.

-Zig Ziglar


I wrote an article quite a few months ago on Linkedin about a friend who became suicidal after the loss of her husband. She was admitted to a psychiatric ward and was strip searched in front of 4 people, 2 of those included men. I was appalled at our mental health system and my heart broke for her.

It's been almost a year and a half since she lost her husband. His death was sudden. She found him in bed after running to the store. They had plans to go hiking on that particular day. He was 52. 

I realize there is no time limit on grief

There is confusion in mind when it comes to a person seeming so bitter towards everyone almost a year and a half after losing the person they loved.  My friend was diagnosed with PTSD after her husband passed. She has been on medication and began with a counselor about 3-4 months ago. Until she started counseling she found every excuse in the book why it was she would not go. It was easy to give her a pass because I knew her mind was not thinking clearly and it was not healthy.  Did I mention she's extremely bitter towards anyone who seems to have a better life than her?

What inspired me to write about this?

I'm a fairly intuitive person and over the  past few months, I began to feel she felt bitter towards me as well. Why did I feel this way... well it was the small cues I was picking up on over time. I kept hoping I was wrong and just being too sensitive. She was aware that my mom lost her husband at the age of 32 and had five children with him. Mom's life was turned upside down after my father's death. My mom fell into a deep depression (according to her) for almost a year after my father's passing. I don't recall her depression and that may be due to the fact that we were all grieving. It probably helped that I was a child and my mind was kept busy by doing things with my friends for example. No one gave us a book on how to talk to someone when they are grieving, so we may say things unintentionally that could hurt the person still grieving. I came to the conclusion that sharing mom's story- even though her story seemed to have parallels was upsetting my friend so I stopped. The only reason I did share mom's story was with hopes that it would GIVE her hope that one-day things will change and we find ways to go on. 

After my friend's husband died I made sure to call her daily. I sent cards to remind her I was thinking of her and not just encouraged but even called counselors for her because she didn't have the mental energy to do so. I cried with her and I never once judged her for thoughts that seemed so irrational to me, I was not able to compute them. 

When my mom died, I didn't receive a card let alone a phone call to check in on me. I tried to let that go by telling myself she is still very ill. Logically, I know she is but my heart began to play games. I was unable to comprehend how someone who states they can't enjoy life was able to jet off to the Coast at least once a month for a 4 day weekend with friends, post pictures of restaurants she frequented, off hiking or shopping with friends, yet she was unable to even fake it and send me a simple card or reciprocate and call on rare occasions? Again, I told myself she couldn't do these things because it would stir up emotions she was unable to handle on her end. 

A wake up call?

When I was on vacation in Maine over a week ago, I noticed she deleted me on facebook. I sent her a message asking her why? I asked if I said or did something that upset her? She wrote back and just said, I'm toxic and you have gone on with your life. I honestly do not remember my reply but I do remember her saying, you have found healthy outlets and you are going on with your life. This was my first vacation with my husband that did not involve kids. The last time we spent time with just each other was during our honeymoon. I have a feeling my photos I posted caused her to feel resentment towards me. I asked if it was something I posted and she told me no. I told her I would always care about her even if she felt toxic to others. She sent me a friend request back not long after I wrote that to her but she's been silent to me ever since. This is a woman who posts on Facebook off and on all day, everyday. She used to like and comment on almost everything I posted until the past few months. 

The bottom line

Tonight I found something she posted on her page. What I found upset me. I'm not sure if it speaks to her mental mindset, grief or her as a person? Many of us have lost people we love. It hurts so bad but we find a way to move forward. It may take time but we don't keep pushing others away for a long period of time. I will leave you with what I found and I encourage comments. I'm very confused and quite frankly I feel a bit angry myself after reading this. She posted a link to a speech given by Facebook's COO at The Univerisity of California Berkley. I found the speech extremely moving and inspiring. It did not matter to me how much money this woman may make, grief is grief. 


"Facebook Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg spoke about her husband's death publicly for the first time during a commencement speech Saturday, encouraging graduates to "live as if you had eleven days left."
Someone famous in Source Title

The entire article can be read on UPI's site.  I will leave you with a video of her speech. It's long but the message is not just moving , yet speaks to a broader audience than those she may be surrounded by in her own life. 



will end this by leaving what my friend wrote about this speech. You be the judge. I'm not sure if I should let go of the friendship I thought we had or be patient (as I've been) with hopes that time will change her outlook and heal her heart? Her comment to the article and video are below.

"When she first lost her husband I felt so sorry for her. I could empathize with her losing her husband suddenly. What I didn't admire was her repeated attempts to be the public face of grief. Her comments and books have been callous and lack compassion for widows. She lost her spouse, but apparently he wasn't her whole life. Her best and only true friend. She was able to pick up the piece and move on. Not to be a bitch, but it must be nice. When I lost Pete, I lost my will to live. I struggle with that each and every day. And though she has become a single mother, I am still supporting my grown son and struggling to keep the home I made with the love of my life and don't want to lose also. Home meant so much to Pete. This woman really doesn't understand struggle. She may feel loss, but she didn't lose herself at the same time. She didn't have to live with the guilt of failing to save her husband or relive his death each and every day. She got a phone call. Her life is difficult to be sure. But it's not devastated. I'm not jealous, but I am offended the media keeps putting her up as the face of grief." - Anonymous to protect my friend's identity. 

I welcome your  honest input.

"
Comments

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #3

#2
Very complex Pascal Derrien. I told myself I would be there for her no matter. But, as of late the bitterness towards others is so strong that I'm not sure it's healthy for me to continue the friendship. This is one of those situations that your damned if you do and may feel worse if you don't and something happened. But, I do know I can't change her mindset, she has to want to do that.

Pascal Derrien

7 years ago #2

this is a complex topic and the mind is working in mysterious ways and sometimes people get lost en route until.....they find their way again :-)

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #1

Thanks so much for sharing my article Daniela Umpierrez!

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