Patrick Scullin

1 year ago · 2 min. reading time · 0 ·

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Greene Claims Groundhog Stole Election From Trump, Controls Biden's Mind

Greene Claims Groundhog Stole Election From Trump, Controls Biden's Mind


Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene sees monsters in every shadow. And on Groundhog Day, that monster is Punxsutawney Phil.

"We must stop celebrating Groundhog Day," Greene told The Lint Screen. "We can't allow one rodent in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania to rule our weather. He's condemning us to six more weeks of winter. Oh, and another thing– that lousy groundhog stole the election for Joe Biden. This dastardly varmint must be stopped!"

Greene is a kook from Georgia who believes all sorts of conspiracy theories. Her latest one about Punxsutawney Phil is a doozy even for her.

"That groundhog is a mole put here by George Soros, Dr. Fauci, and Tom Hanks," Greene preached. "The critter connived and cheated Donald J. Trump his rightful place on the throne of the presidency. Trump was put here by God and that groundhog was put here by the devil himself."

Greene believes the groundhog shoots lasers from its eyes and breathes fire.

"Punxsutawney Phil took millions of ballots for Trump and lasered them into oblivion," Greene claims. "He also burned countless Trump ballots. Like a dragon! The groundhog must have done something bad because Donald Trump told us he won in a landslide–– and that man don't lie. It's pretty suspicious President Trump somehow lost days after the election."

The nutty representative thinks the groundhog is not good for democracy.

"The only way America will ever be free is to surrender itself to Donald J. Trump," she said. "This Pennsylvania groundhog has a mind meld with Joe Biden and is controlling him to destroy out country and our freedoms by trying to inject every American with what they're calling a vaccine. Know what it really is? It's a magic potion that causes people to obey whatever Biden says. God only knows what evil Soros will tell Biden to do. If we allow this groundhog to live, we're destined to become a socialist country with national healthcare and Antifa clubhouses on every corner."

Greene said she will be meeting with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy soon to discuss some of the problems she sees ahead.

"These are dangerous times," the blond gun-totin' looney said. "And we must get Trump back in office to stop this hoax pandemic and make our country great again. That's all the patriots were trying to do on January 6–– to bring our country back together again under the excellent leadership of Trump. And the only way to do that was hanging Mike Pence, traitor RINOs, and every Democrat in the Capitol."

Greene leans in and whispers. "I suspect that groundhog is also a Jew."


Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.


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