Patrick Scullin

1 year ago · 1 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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There’s no more free ride for the Republican Party.

Twice-impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump has served the Republican Party with his official Grifting Menu detailing the costs associated with services he will make available to GOP candidates running for office.

There is no more Republican Party,” Donald Trump told The Lint Screen. “I made that party. The party is nothing without me. I am the Chosen One, everyone says so. And there’s not going to be any more free rides on my celebrity. Now, I’m making the freeloading bastards pay.”

That he will.

In his menu of services offered to Republican candidates, Trump has published the following services offered:

Opposing candidate protest riot with PROUD BOYS displaying MAGA and TRUMP Flags… $250,000

Use of the DONALD J. TRUMP name… $500,000

Use of DONALD J. TRUMP images… $1,000,000

Official candidate endorsement by DONALD J. TRUMP… $2,000,000

Robocall of DONALD J. TRUMP endorsing candidate… $2,500,000

Photograph of candidate with DONALD J. TRUMP… $3,000,000

Photograph of candidate with DONALD J. TRUMP (smiling)… $4,000,000

Photograph of candidate with DONALD J. TRUMP (smiling, with two thumbs up)… $5,000,000

Use of existing footage of DONALD J. TRUMP in TV advertising… $6,000,000

Use of new DONALD J. TRUMP footage in TV advertising standing by a cardboard cutout of candidate… $8,000,000 (plus $2,000,000 appearance fee for DONALD J. TRUMP)

Use of new DONALD J. TRUMP footage in TV advertising standing by actual candidate… $12,000,000

Fundraising dinner featuring speech by DONALD J. TRUMP… $20,000,000

Rally featuring personal appearance by DONALD J. TRUMP… $25,000,000 (LIMITED TIME BONUS OFFER–– FREE usage of rally footage in candidate advertising)


Personal endorsement of candidate by ERIC TRUMP… $12.25

Personal endorsement of candidate by DONALD TRUMP, JR… $284.75

Personal endorsement of candidate by IVANKA TRUMP… $1,250,000

Car wash performed by JARED KUSHNER… $42.00

Dunking booth featuring JARED KUSHNER… $17.00

Speaking engagement on subject of “Be Best” by MELANIA TRUMP… $3.00

“This is the most incredible campaign kit ever offered,” Trump says. “I have everything any batshit Republican candidate needs to get elected. I can lend anyone my Trump magic and get them into office to destroy government and democracy. And because I’m a patriot, I’m happy to do it–– at a price.”

Trump’s closes his pitch with this statement: “No one has ever won as much as Trump. It is the biggest brand in winning for winners.”

Trump hesitates, an aide whispers to him, and the orange man continues.

“I almost forgot– all candidate election functions must be held at Trump property. That gives you maximum Trump magic to win!”

His entourage bows and scrapes to their master.


Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

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