EXPERT PICKED TO EXPLORE CLIMATE CHANGE THREAT FOR U.S. GOVERNMENT

As liberal snowflakesmelt in hysteria with raging paranoia about the dangers of climate change, President Trump decided to calm their fears by appointing a renowned expert to head a government study on the subject.

“I’ve always said climate change is a Chinese hoax,” Trump told The Lint Screen, “now we’ll see if an independent expert agrees. I’ve known Chet Beaburn a long time. He used to work on one of my golf courses so he is very familiar with the outdoors. He’s a good man. A tremendous thinker. He’s not some snobby scientist putting on airs. Chet has common sense and that’s all you need to see climate change is a Chinese hoax designed to frighten us.”

“The president is absolutely right,” Chet Beaburn a self-described “science enthusiast” echoed. “There is no such thing as climate change. There have been snowstorms all winter! That proves it!”

When presented with statistics showing average temperatures have been steadily rising over the last 50-years, Beaburn was dismissive.

“Don’t look at graphs, look out the window! It snowed in Minnesota yesterday for the love of God, that proves there’s no climate change!”

When asked about melting icebergs and rising water levels, Beaburn was not impressed.

“Ice melts,” Beaburn said. “Haven’t you ever gotten a Coca-Cola from McDonald’s? And of course, melting ice makes water levels rise.”

“Most people don’t know this,” the president said smugly, “but ice is made from water.”

“Really, mister president?” Beaburn asked. “That explains it all then. See that? There’s nothing to worry about!”

Beaburn also believes the Earth is flat. “Hells bells,” he said pointing at the horizon, “I don’t see no round Earth — it’s flat as a pancake.”

When asked about photographs from outer space clearly depicting the Earth as a blue marble in our galaxy, Beaburn was again not buying it.

“Man never went to the moon let alone walked on it.”

“Many people say the moon is made of cheese,” our president said.

“I’ve heard that, too, mister president,” Beaburn said. “Landing on the moon was staged in a TV studio in Nevada. LBJ had the whole megillah staged to hoodwink Americans into thinking we landed on the moon and walked around a spell. LBJ did this because JFK said we were going to go to the moon but then he went and got himself assassinated by Frank Sinatra because the horny Irishman had bedded Frank’s daughter Nancy. Any idiot knows that!”

“So that’s what happened,” President Trump said. “I think Chet will do a great job for America. He has a very big brain and he’ll prove climate change is fake news.”

“I’ll do my best, sir,” Beaburn said, as he spontaneously combusted into flames and ran screaming out the door.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertisingand recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).