Elsewhere: The Mini Series You Watch in Your Head

There is a Mini Series you watch that can wreak havoc on your relationships. 

And no, I’m not talking about St. Elsewhere, the medical drama TV series from the 80’s.

I’m talking about the mini series you watch in your head.

Here’s what this series is about:

Elsewhere: somewhere else; in or to some other place. 

Glenn & Susan:

Glenn’s wife Susan is having a somewhat heated and animated discussion about family finances and the amount of money Glenn is spending on golf.

Glenn is there “listening” but he is also elsewhere. 

He is at some other place or time.

People seem to like this series.

Some binge watch it.

As Glenn “listens” to his wife who is observably upset, he is at the same time thinking to himself: 

“Damn, I hate when she gets all critical like her mom.”

Freeze Frame. 

Glenn has just gone elsewhere. 

He is in one moment having a conversation with his wife and in that same moment he checks out and tunes into his Mini Series called:

“When Susan Sounds Like Her Mom.”

At this moment Glenn is no longer in the moment with his wife Susan. 

In fact Glenn is completely immersed in this new episode where Susan has momentarily morphed into her mom. 

So now class…how will Glenn respond to Susan? 

The real question is which Susan is Glenn going to respond to, see?

The answer is Glenn left the real world Susan and is tuned into the Mini Series Susan. The Mini Series Susan is always the same character just like General Hospital or some other drama. 

And Glenn cannot stand this Mini Series Susan Like Momma Drama. 

So when Glenn “sees” the Mini Series Susan appear in front of him he responds like Daytime Drama Dick and gets pissed at his real life Susan. 

Glenn: “I don’t need you and your Mother telling me that I spend too much money on golf. ”

And Susan?

Susan: “Don’t you be bringing my mom into this. She has nothing to do with this.”

Susan is thinking while she’s replying to Glenn, “God I hate it when he tells me I’m being my mom.”

And at the exact moment Susan hears Glenn’s opinion about her being like her mother, she goes elsewhere. 

The Real Problem with Elsewhere:

Being in a conversation and being elsewhere is bad enough.

But the real sin is when you keep a past Mini Series Elsewhere Episode as a reason to not get back in comm with your spouse or partner. 

Most couples I work with have their Mini Series episodes with their spouses right there on que. 

After listening to Glenn I will say, “Okay, I understand about Susan and the mom thing.  So, why don’t you just get in comm with her?”

He looks at me like I’m daffy. 

For a split second Glenn wonders what the hell I’ve been smokin’ to think he’d want to get back in comm with her.

See, Glenn still thinks her is the Mini Series her. 

And Susan the same. 

When I talk to Susan she’s like:

“Look, I love my husband but when he starts telling me I’m acting like my Mom, he’s impossible to talk to. He never listens to me!”

See, Glenn has a default setting that is set to “Susan Momma Drama.”

And Susan’s default setting is, “Glenn Never Listens To Me.” 

So when I ask either, “Well, why don’t you just sit down and get back in comm?” they each know they should but that default setting is too damn easy to default to. 

That is why it’s a default setting. 

THEY ACTUALLY LOOK AT THEIR MINI SERIES VERSION IN THEIR HEADS AND THEY CANNOT CONFRONT THE REAL LIFE VERSION.

The Problem with Elsewhere is Convenience:

Of all the wonders of modern technology, one downside is that technology can feed this beast of elsewhere.

You can have an argument with your spouse and decide mid conversation that you’ve had enough, bolt the conversation, and pick up your cellphone and be elsewhere inside that device for the rest of the day. 

You can get in a huff and go drive to the gym and not only be elsewhere at the gym but be elsewhere while you're on the treadmill as well. 

Double elsewhereness. 

Two mints in one. 

Crazy, huh?

Elsewhere and Pretended Understanding:

When you’re in a conversation with your spouse or partner and you've tuned them out or gone elsewhere, yet you’re nodding and going along with what’s being said, that’s a pretense. 

I know. More silliness. 

The truth there is no real understanding. 

There is only pretended understanding. 

Think about that. 

See, Glenn did not understand anything once he heard Mini Series Susan. 

He “understood” that his wife disappeared in front of him and Medusa the two-headed snake appeared. 

That’s all he needed to “understand.”

See?

This is an absolutely critical juncture in any conversation. 

No matter who goes elsewhere or if both do, if there is no recognition you have left your present-time partner, your conversation going forward is a pretense. 

The next day at work Susan meets MaryAnn, a friend and coworker in the staff kitchen.

Marianne: “So, how did it go when you talked with Glenn about the finances?”

Susan: “The conversation didn’t go well at all unfortunately.”

The conversation didn’t go well?

Hello? 

There was no conversation. 

What often passes for conversation in this society is this Kindergarten mix of Mini Series Spouse Reds and Real Life Spouse Yellows that makes this “conversation” Orange. 

It is a composite of characters and colors. 

The conversation “did not go well” because there was no conversation.

Elsewhere & Netflix: The New Drug

Glenn and Susan don’t say much at dinner as they cannot yet confront each other in real time. 

After dinner they both decide to watch a movie on Netflix. 

It’s a great place to go for movies at home. 

And like the gym, it’s also a convenient place to go elsewhere. 

Susan wants to get involved in the movie as she loves Rachel McAdams. But her attention is still on Glenn’s reference to her being just like her mom. Susan is still in that conversation. 

She is elsewhere. 

And Glenn is watching the movie because that’s “what they do” together but he’s still steaming about Susan acting like she’s the Queen of England over his golf spending. 

He’s totally elsewhere. 

Look at this picture and see if you’ve ever done the same?

You know, sitting on the couch together watching a movie and at the same time not really watching it, but watching a rerun of your earlier argument in your head. 

What To Do?

Most of what I write is an attempt to bring an individual's awareness up so that they can rise above the drama they’ve fallen into. 

Once you fall down that rabbit hole, unfortunately the only thing you’re invested in while you’re falling is: 

Being right.

Right now Glenn and Susan have fallen down that rabbit hole.

They hit bottom when they put their butts on their couch and used Netflix as their drug of choice.

They are only going through the motions of watching the movie.

And what’s right about knowingly putting your attention elsewhere to avoid confronting your partner and getting back in comm?

“Nothing...there’s nothing right about it.”

Not so fast Bronco Billy.

In the course of your day don’t you usually try to do the right thing?

“Well of course.”

So what are Glenn and Susan doing?

“Well, it’s obvious. They’re not doing the right thing because they’re not getting in comm and repairing the upset.”

I see.

So, what they are doing then by being elsewhere, is wrong?

“Of course it is! It’s crazy!

Then why are they doing this?

Pause.

“Well, they’re just mad right now.”

I see.

And being mad and being out of comm with your partner is right?

Pause.

“No...but…”

No but what?

“They’re just being stupid.”

Ahhhhhhh….

I see.

Do you think they know they are being stupid?

Pause.

“No. I think they both are just being stubborn and…”

And what?

“Geezus….they’re just being stubborn and want to make the other person wrong.”

Ahhhhh. So...then both are “being right” to make the other wrong, correct?”

Pause.

“That’s fucked up.”

Yes. That. Is. 

If you are ever trapped in Elsewhere Land I want to give you some directions as to how you get back to reality.

• First, you could only be in Elsewhere Land if you yourself went out of communication no matter who was right or wrong because to be elsewhere you had to check out. Period. 

• If you “use” your partner’s behavior to rationalize why you checked out it doesn’t let you off the hook because hello...you still checked out.

• Once you find yourself in Elsewhere Land you will know it. You will find yourself in a one-way conversation inside your head with made-up dialogue between you and your partner. See, you are in the Mini Series now. Once you are in your head in the Mini Series you need to pick up your imaginary remote and push Stop.

• Get off your treadmill. Get off your cell phone. Go look at some trees and the sky and the buildings around you. Get yourself extroverted.

• Once your attention is extroverted you will be in the present time environment. This is the only place you can have a conversation and repair what occurred.

• Call your spouse and tell them you went for a walk and you want to apologize for acting like you did. Tell them you want to get back into communication.

Now, when people are “being right,” the thing that keeps them in this condition is they cannot admit they were wrong.

I know. 

Being wrong in this culture is like saying you have Cooties.

Ew.

Listen: Even if you were not the major culprit in creating the upset, there is nothing right about bolting to elsewhere and thinking that scrolling your Facebook Newsfeed is more right than getting in comm.

The hardest part is owning up to one’s contribution to the conversation derailing. 

So, when it gets to be a “stalemate” it’s a silly strategy to stubbornly wait for your partner to apologize first.

Because sure shootin’ they’re waitin’ for you.  

So, just never mind what they think or what the Mini Series Drama is telling you. 

Because there’s nothing right about being out of comm with someone you love.

And there’s a whole lot right about taking responsibility for getting back in communication.

Besides...that Mini Series is a re-run and those characters are made for TV drama.  

Go live your life for real. 

If you have any areas of your personal life you have attention on and want to improve, just click on the link below for a free phone consultation. There is no obligation to do anything else. There is no pitch. And there is nothing to buy. 

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