DEVOS QUESTIONS SCIENCE: “SOMETIMES A STABLE GENIUS KNOWS BETTER”

Although Betsy DeVos attended Calvin University, the Secretary of Education doesn’t cotton much to book learnin’.

“It’s all a bunch of hibbly-jibbly,” the woman in charge of educating America’s children told The Lint Screen. “There are things you learn in the medical laboratory that may or may not be true. Who knows? Science can only do so much. We should question everything.”

Sec. DeVos questions the recommendations the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention made yesterday for re-opening American schools. The CDC also came under attack from President Trump after the medical commander-in-chief saw the recommendations. Trump said they were too strict, and threw a raging temper tantrum. The president sent the brainiacs back to the drawing board.

“They screwed up,” DeVos said. “Those science nerds spent countless hours and hundreds of millions of dollars doing research. And they let science make their recommendations in the interest of health. But science isn’t exactly the real world, is it? Sometimes a stable genius knows better what’s good for our kids–– and we should listen to him and obey. After all, President Trump is very successful in the real estate business and had an incredibly popular TV show. He has a very big brain.“

The Secretary of Education lambasted the CDC.

“That place is full of egghead experts who let science rule their lives,” DeVos said. “It’s silly. Frankly, it’s like Mike Pence says–– science isn’t even in the Bible. We can’t put our faith in science. That would be silly. We must put our faith in God.“

DeVos said the president gave Dr. Robert Redfield, the acting, director of the CDC some excellent guidance for revising recommendations for school re-openings.

“Six feet distancing is extreme,” DeVos said. “The president thinks six inches is plenty of room, and so do I. He also thinks kids shouldn’t wear masks. Masks are an assault on their rights and make them look weak and vulnerable. Our kids are better than that. The president thinks children should wear MAGA hats instead. He suspects those red hats will protect the young ones from COVID-19. And I agree completely,” DeVos said as she placed a MAGA hat on her noodle.

She continued, “The last recommendation the president gave was allowing kids to bring guns to school. Guns will protect their Second Amendment rights and let children guard against an assault of liberal socialism. Also, if they see coronavirus they can shoot it. President Trump certainly makes a strong case for the safety of America’s youth. It’s all he cares about.”

DeVos leans in and confides, “Personally, I think children should also bring their Bibles. Just in case Satan appears.”

She straightens up in her seat. “I’m disgusted and outraged the CDC made the president upset. It’s just not right.” She shakes his head. “‘They had better do better work in the future and get on Team Trump. Without the president’s great leadership, our country would be in a world of trouble with this pandemic. Thank God President Trump is protecting our nation."

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).