DADDY DRAFTS HIS “HOT DAUGHTER” TO ‘COUNCIL TO REOPEN AMERICA’

While the fake news media tries to slam the president for doing a superbly excellent job of leading the nation during a national crisis, the big man wants to get America working again.

“I’m sick of seeing Americans sitting on their asses all day doing nothing,” President Trump told The Lint Screen. “They need to get back to working their two to three minimum-wage jobs and get my economy humming again. I’ve got to get re-elected. Quit milking the system!”

To help in that effort, our Glorious Leader has drafted an all-star crew of big brains to decide when the country reopens for business. And included in that team is a woman–– Ivanka Trump.

“Ivanka is a very beautiful woman–– she’s my hot daughter, that’s what I always tell Tiffany,” Trump said with stars in his eyes. “But Ivanka is more than just a babe. She has been responsible for something like 60-70% of all jobs in America. She’s got a brain, a big brain like her old man, although I’m not old when you consider how much stamina I have. I don’t think any president has had more stamina and energy than I have. Maybe the most energy ever. A lot of people are saying that. I can run circles around Sleepy Joe.”

‘The Hot Daughter’ will be joining her husband Jared ‘The Kushinator’ Kushner, Chief of Staff Mark ‘Mark’ Meadows, U.S. Trade Representative Robert ‘The Goat Humper’ Lighthizer, Treasury Secretary Steven ‘Noochikins’ Mnuchin, Commerce Secretary Wilbur ‘Sweet Breath’ Ross, and HUD Secretary Ben ‘Here’s Johnny!’ Carson.

“Ben is black, you know,” Trump said. “Very black. And Ivanka’s a girl–– so I have all the minority bases covered. Let’s see the P.C. police complain about that.”

The goal of this brain trust will be deciding the best time to drop the green flag and get American’s back on the employment track so Trump can get back to re-election campaign rallies for his throngs of adoring kooks and rubes.

“If we go back to a little early, so what?” Trump said. “Some people die. Hey, none of us lives forever, but with my stamina and energy, don’t count me out. I think I could live longer than any president, everyone says so.”

Trump has been very impressed by the tremendous job he’s doing during this pandemic.

“I came up with ‘the invisible enemy’ for coronavirus and now I call it ‘the brilliant enemy’ –– I don’t think there’s ever been a better president at coming up with nicknames than me. I also brought in the My Pillow guy to help. Great guy.”

Trump gets misty-eyed and continues.

“But look at the stats I’ve accumulated for our country. No country has had more testing, coronavirus cases, and casualties. I am putting America first like never before. And, if there is any fault or blame, it’s on the governors, especially the Democratic ones. They don’t love America like I do. I hug flags–– do it all the time–– so that proves it.”

With that, the president donned his signature KEEP AMERICA GREAT hat and danced the Hokey Pokey.

“Those governors have to do what I say,” Trump said. “I am the president, and it’s my country!”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).