CDC Unveils New Language For Budget Submissions

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta wants their federal budgetary overlords to know they’re serious about getting funding.

CDC officials were recently told to avoid inflammatory language like “science-based,” “fetus,” “evidence-based,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “vulnerable,” and “entitlement” when submitting 2019 budget initiatives.

“We have some critically important research studies that need funding,” Dr. Samual R. Lorthon, a CDC department head told The Lint Screen. “If it’s simply a matter of changing the language to secure G.O.P. budget approval, then, we’re ready to play ball.”

Dr. Lorthon detailed some of the proposed CDC studies for 2019:

“A Study Linking Crooked Hillary With Causing Deadly Diseases”

“Dealing With Pandemics — God’s Vengeance to Smite Sinners!”

“The Healthy Americans First Study! Let’s Get Physical”

“Fixing Gastroenteritis: Satan’s Tum-Tum Attack”

“Effects of Nuclear Weapons on Unlucky People After Attacks From Little Rocket Man”

“The No One Knew Healthcare Could Be So Complicated Study”

“Stopping That Doggone Salmonella!”

“Praying Away E-coli”

“How to Make America Great Again With Modern Medicines”

“God Helps Them That Helps Themselves — Illness is Your Fault, Deal With It And Toughen Up!”

“Research Into No-Collusion Colon Ailments”

“Don’t Like The Private Parts The Good Lord Gave You? Who Do You Think You Are?! Get Happy With The Junk You Got.”

“Exorcising Streptococcus From Thy Body”

Dr. Lorthon said he felt confident the CDC would secure its funding. “If we don’t, there will certainly be some collateral damage. But, if that’s what it takes to weed out our country’s weaker links, so be it! The government can’t be a nanny state.”

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).