BARR REVELS IN HIS ROLE AS TRUMP’S HENCHMAN

Billy Boy Barr, the so-called Attorney General of the United States, is one happy camper these days.

“The bossman says I’m doing a tremendous job, a fantastic job,” Barr says, puffing his chubby cheeks like a ravenous squirrel at an all-you-can-eat acorn buffet. “Getting some sugar from the big chief himself tickles me pink.”

Trump recently tweeted Roger Stone was facing extreme sentencing for being a loyal patriot and doing nothing wrong. The big man suggested the Justice Department should do something about Stone’s dire situation.

Enter Barr. 

Almost immediately, the legal lapdog rescinded the sentencing recommendation brought forth by people in his own department–– sentencing that was within recommended guidelines.

“People can bellyache all they want,” Barr defiantly told The Lint Screen. “But recommended guidelines don’t mean diddly-squat when the skipper doesn’t like them and thinks they’re harsh. He’s the top dog of the nation, and it’s my job to do his will no matter what. My job is to protect and serve our glorious leader.”

Barr recommended Stone receive a sentence of one-night detention after school. “That seems pretty fair,” he said. “If you want to play hardball, maybe even say he has to go to bed without a snack.”

The A.G. believes the real problem with law in America is that it’s often grossly unjust.

“You can and should treat two people differently for the same crime if one of those people is a friend of the president,” he said. “Connections are important. Networking is everything. And remember, the president can never, ever commit a crime. He’s like God, only handsomer because he’s clean-shaven so his mug is always kissing-smooth.”

Barr believes too many American laws are based on the U.S. Constitution.

“Have you seen that old piece of paper? It’s as yellow as a snickerdoodle’s urine in fresh snow. ‘We the people’ is an outdated concept. We’re not all the same people. I mean, look at El Hefe–– Donal Trump was a T.V. superstar. He won the presidency in the largest landslide in American history. Do you think he should be treated the same as some bozo whacked out on goofballs or a treasonous jerk trying to vote for a Democrat in an election? Don’t be stupid. Trump is the big cheese.”

Barr said he is anxiously waiting for a tweet from his commander to dispatch justice for Bob Mueller, Adam Schiff, Jerry Nadler, and anyone else who investigated his  ‘all-powerful, mighty master.’

“And when the head honcho gives me the green light, I’ll dispense frontier justice.” Barr smiles. “The rule of law is whatever we say it is. Get over it.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).