BARR: “HOW COULD ANYONE BELIEVE TRUMP? HE’S A CON MAN.”
Anyone who knows ol’ Billy Boy Barr will attest to the fact he’s a straight shooter and calls ’em like he sees ’em!
The former Attorney General dropped by The Lint Screen offices and delivered a scathing indictment of his former boss, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump.
“It’s amazing to me that scumbag Trump received 75 million votes,” Barr relays as he shakes his chubby meathead and reaches for a donut. “I’ve always said Donald Trump is the lowest possible form of life. The man is the worst of the worst. I’m amazed anyone could believe or trust him. The guy’s always been a con man. Look at Trump University. For God’s sake, New York state shut down his charitable foundation for stealing funds earmarked for helping kids with cancer. What’s lower than that?”
Being a man of impeachable integrity, Barr says he wouldn’t stand for Trump’s shenanigans. He finishes his donut, swallows, and reaches into the donut box for another.
“I served as AG for about two years,” Barr says, “and the things I saw would make your blood boil. Trump told so many lies, broke so many laws, it was incredible. I kept thinking, boy, someone should really take him down. If only there were an organization dedicated to the rule of law, wouldn’t that be something?”
Alas, Barr’s hands were tied.
“Many of us in the Cabinet talked about how awful Trump was,” Barr says. “He’s like a mob boss, but not as nice or smart. The president just kept scamming and grifting. He had his family on the government dole, was shaking down his supporters. Trump’s army of administration and security people stayed at his properties on his endless golf trips so he could charge them a fortune–– all on the taxpayers’ dime. He even tried to extort the Ukraine president out of earmarked funds, which was fine with his Republican sycophants. Oh well, what are you going to do? No one was in charge of enforcing the laws, and Robert Mueller didn’t prove there was any hanky-panky in the 2016 election––Trump told me that himself, so I repeated it.“
Barr shakes his head in disgust. He shoves the donut into his face hole and grabs another.
“The real tragedy is when Trump couldn’t lie his way out of a raging pandemic, tens of millions of Americans needlessly lost their lives. What a doggone shame that was. If only there had been some way to remove him from office before then.”
The ex-AG confesses his snapping point came when Trump wanted him to prove election fraud.
“I’d had enough,” Barr says, sitting erect in his seat. “Trump, Rudy Giuliani, and the My Pillow Guy had all these cockamamie conspiracy theories about how Trump was cheated out of the election. They said many Trump ballots were changed to Biden by magical gnomes, the Dems fed Trump ballots into paper shredders, Biden’s votes came from outer space––you name it, they claimed it. The Donald asked me to prove all their bullshit claims. I said, ‘Sir,’ I said, ‘I have my sterling reputation to uphold.’ And I left his administration. But not before I wrote him a glowing letter of praise for his greatness at being a leader. It’s unbelievable how some people want their egos stroked endlessly. Trump’s so needy.“
Barr believes history will look kindly on him.
“I think if it weren’t for me, Trump would have been pretty disastrous as president,” Barr says, rising from his chair, brushing donut crumbs from his lapel. “I’m glad I was able to save America and democracy. And aside from that little hiccup of the Capitol skirmish on January 6, I think it was a soft landing, thanks to me.”
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