Barr Declares "Friend of The President" Law

Atty. General William Barr knows his justice, and he also knows which cheek of the president's ample ass is buttered.

Today, Barr declared a new law he's written "offering complete immunity from American laws to friends, family, and associates of Donald J. Trump."

"The president can't be bothered by all the stupid laws on the books," Barr told The Lint Screen as he kissed an 8" x 10" glossy of Donald Trump."Those laws are for commoners. And here are so many damn laws! He is a very busy man, and by the powers of associative mathematics, the same liberation from restrictions now applies to whomever the president wishes. His friends, family, and associates all those people who help him do the tremendous and fantastic job he is doing. They all need their liberty to support the chosen one to do his job."

To that end, Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Roger Stone are looking at freedom after getting busted for being lowlife turds of humanity.

"The president is even thinking about awarding these patriotic heroes Medal of Freedom Awards," the pudgy legal beagle said as he slobbered over his Trump pic. "It was a travesty of justice they were convicted in the first place."

Barr becomes agitated as he recounts the Mueller investigation.

"It was like the president said, the thing was a witch hunt against our glorious leader. I'm going to see to it that everyone involved in it goes to the dungeons." Barr smiles. "Did I mention we're building dungeons for enemies of the president? We'll extract our justice and see how smart these buttinskis are when we torture them, boil their feet in oil, or crack a cat of nine tails over their supple, muscular backs before dousing them with vinegar and lemon juice."

The rotund little ambulance-chaser smiles. "Any enemy of Donald Trump is an enemy of the state." He pounds the table. "And that includes you press people. You had better start praising the wonderful job glorious leader is doing on the pandemic, or you'll be tasting the whip. I want to see you report no cases or deaths from coronavirus in the U.S. thanks to our incredible leader."

Barr begins licking the picture of the president and rubbing his crotch. He mumbles to himself, "He's a good man. A great man. My man! And I'm your little cuddle boy toy."

This reporter backs out of the room and runs like hell.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).