A TRANSCRIPT OF TONIGHT’S CORONAVIRUS WHITE HOUSE ADDRESS

Thanks to diligent dumpster diving, The Lint Screen has obtained a draft of tonight’s address by President Donald J. Trump.

“Good evening, my loyal American subjects. Tonight I want to talk about the fake news you may have been seeing on CNN and other liberal looney media out to get me and destroy America.

First off, the World Health Organization is saying there is a Coronavirus pandemic worldwide. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. You never know. We’ll see what happens.

But even if there is a worldwide pandemic, Americans don’t have to worry about it because this is America and I have been treating America first and we should be safe. Very safe. I won’t allow coronavirus or immigrants into our country. 

Let the world take care of itself. I’m protecting America. Keep America great, vote Trump 2020!

Now, some people have been falsely saying there are not enough coronavirus tests. Big lie. Our administration has created more coronavirus tests than any other administration in history. Everyone says so. Anyone who wants a test can get one. Ask Mike Pence. You can get a true or false coronavirus test, or a multiple-choice test. They’re both easy to take.

Even if you do get coronavirus, you will get better very soon. It’s nothing to worry about. Get a box of Kleenex, some Nyquil. You’ll be fine. Soup’s also good. Chicken noodle. Very good soup–– chicken noodle. I like the one with star noodles. Stars like the American flag. Great flag. Love it. Kiss it.

The rumors of the coronavirus being highly contagious are also false. Keep shaking hands, flying on planes, going to work, going to school.

My uncle was a doctor at MIT and was very smart. He was a genius, and so is his nephew. I could have been a doctor finding cures to all kinds of diseases, probably even cancer and coronavirus, but I went into business. I built the most successful business empire ever. Then I became president in a landslide victory–– biggest in American history. So believe me when I tell you–– you’re not contagious. 

You’re not contagious!

And those few people who do get coronavirus will have a very good result. They will be better than ever. Run faster, be stronger. Have great luck with lottery scratch tickets. Tremendous results. Incredible. Trust me.

And don’t worry about the stock market. The stock market doesn’t matter too much anyway. The American economy is very good. The best economy ever, thanks to me. The stock market is just a little rocky because Democrats are out to get Donald Trump. They want to destroy America. I won’t let them do it. Nasty Nancy and Schiff are snakes. Rats.

Awful people, Democrats. Sleepy Joe. Crazy Bernie. They try to divide Americans. I want to unite Americans. Spread love.

That’s all I have to say. It’s all good. We’ll have excellent results. Don’t worry about coronavirus. If you are worried, buy some Trump life insurance. It’s ironclad protection for your family. Very good protection.

God bless America.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).